Anniversary Update

Well, here it is Monday. That means I made it through Saturday. And you know what? It was not as painful as I feared. I definitely did some crying. But I tried to be very deliberate in my day. Before I put feet on the ground to get out of bed, I read the Bible (this is not my standard practice, but I wish it were.) I just wanted to start off the day with God and with worship because I knew it wouldn't be an ordinary day. Of course, if I had any sense I would realize that every day with God is not ordinary. But alas, I have no sense. So I did something unusual which shouldn't be. (And yes, I'm fully aware I am rambling along without making any sense. See above.) Anywho. I took my shower and it was there that it hit me full force. I should be making chicken cordon bleu tonight for our anniversary. I started sobbing. Then, after a few minutes of a good cry in the shower, I quit. I purposed in my mind I was not going to focus on what I did not and could not have. But rather, reflect on the blessings I was granted in the past with my life with Nathan and trust in the goodness and blessings God holds in His hands for my future.

I left to get some work on my hair done. I put my name on the list to get my hair done. I was about half an hour early from when the salon opened. So, I went and grabbed breakfast at McDonald's. As silly as it sounds, I had brought my wedding album along. There I sat in McDonald's, eating breakfast, reading the program and looking at each picture. I could not help but be aware of how much has changed in eleven years. Not just the loss of Nathan, though that was certainly a large part of it. And not just physically, though I definitely look different at 30 than I did at 19. But how much I've grown, changed, and loved. I am (hopefully) a little wiser now than then. I am more sure of not only who I am but whose I am.

Ask anyone and they will likely answer that life did not turn out as they expected. For some, it is better. For others worse. For almost all, it's different. My life is not at all what I expected. But, as I have said before (and will say again) God is still God and life is still good. I took a long walk on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, just enjoying the glorious beauty surrounding me. Then I went home and curled up to watch my favorite movie. Yes, tears were shed. But a smile was on my face as well on Saturday. Love still abides and abounds in my heart. Come what may, I will never regret my life or begrudge what has been lost. I am very aware that I was given, even temporarily, more than many ever are blessed with.