July 20, 2009

Thank you for all the expressions of concern based on my last entry. I have had no whiplash, just minor things like headaches. Here it is the 20th of the month again. I must admit, I’m anxious to know if I’ll encounter the 20th of a month again without thinking of Nathan’s passing. I know I’ll certainly never not think of him on December 20th. And it’s not as though I’m consciously looking at the calendar with anticipation of the next 20th. At the same time, it doesn’t sneak up on me. I just wonder how down the road looks. A month or two ago, though, God gave me a paradigm shift. Birthdays and anniversaries typically connote happy occasions. I no longer think of the 20th of the month as the day of a death. Rather, today, I whispered, “Happy 7-month birthday, Nate.” After all, he was reborn, right? So I have started wishing him a happy new birthday. It may seem silly. That’s ok with me. It makes it easier to bear. It takes the sting out of the 20th of the month, though certainly doesn’t reduce the impact or pain.
I asked my mother, who lost her mom many years ago if dates like this get less noticeable in time. I mean, will I start looking at things in longer spans, like years, instead of simply months? I suppose I will. I started off evaluating hours since his passing. That eventually drifted into days, then weeks. It’s only been seven months. I still find it hard to believe. So quick, yet so long. It’s funny how time acts like that. One event, one moment can feel simultaneously as if it occurred only yesterday and like a lifetime ago. Maybe that’s how a day to God is like a thousand years. Maybe that’s a little glimpse into His sense of time. Singular moments that are wildly opposite in character and sensation.
I spoke to a friend today. I told him that sometimes, I get a little envious (not in a wishing-my-life-away kind of way) of Nate in heaven. My friend made a statement I never thought of before and that I’ll never forget. “It could have just as easily been you. But God has something beautiful for you here on this side of heaven.” I’ve known God still has purpose for me. And I’ve known He has not and will not abandon me. I’ve known there is still joy in this life. But I never thought about my future in the terms he spoke today. I never contemplated that I could have left Nate here. I don’t know why God’s plan is unfolding the way it is or why Nathan’s time on this side didn’t last longer. But yes, God has something beautiful here. God wanted Nathan at His side sooner rather than later. But this side of heaven is beautiful and was initially meant to be paradise. God does still have something beautiful in His plan on this side, even in store for little old me.