July 3rd

I apologize for my too-long silence. The second Relay for Life, the one at which I spoke, went very well. It was certainly a difficult thing but extremely worthwhile. I hope to participate in the Relay for years to come, in some capacity or another.
I told my family early on after Nathan’s death that I wanted to come home for the Fourth of July, like normal. But, unlike normal, I did not think I would be ready to do the big family get-togethers, barbeques, fireworks things we typically did. I just thought it would be too hard. I was right. I’ve had a couple of tough weeks lately, what with the six-month anniversary of Nathan’s passing and this holiday coming up. The Fourth last year kind of turned into a marker. The last time we went home. The last time we went anywhere. Merely weeks before our lives were upended. So we have gone to a place in Mentone, AL for some quiet R&R as the immediate family. It’s absolutely what I needed. I’m free here to breathe, read, cry, laugh, reminisce, play with nephews, and even play my first round of (dreadfully terrible) golf.
Tomorrow is our Independence Day. I cannot help but be mutually saddened and excited. I am sad because Nate really enjoyed this holiday. We went back to Tennessee to see my side of the family every year at this time, despite the typically extreme heat and humidity of the South he disliked. He always looked forward to our time in Tennessee. Sad because the last time Nate was in Tennessee was for the Fourth last year. Sad because that’s when the amazing pictures of the family, and us as a couple were taken. Sad because we spent longer here last year for that holiday than we ever had, for reasons unbeknownst to us at the time. Sad because I just miss him so much.
So why in the world am I excited? Because I know that Nathan is experiencing freedom and Independence unlike anything we can know this side of heaven. Because he is walking in freedom with the ultimate Freedom Fighter and Life-giver himself, in what we were always meant to be. And because, if heaven is truly perfect and paradise, I know Nate is shooting the breeze with figures from the military history that he loves. He’s analyzing and strategizing. He’s worshipping side by side with men he’s long admired from ages past. C.S. Lewis and leaders of the first church; generals and privates alike from wars gone by. And he’s also learning in the freedom of heaven his impact and influence he has had on others that have gone before him, come after him, or still remain here on earth. And he’s getting to participate in something more than himself. He himself gets to be the strategist God designed him to be. He gets to be the military man he wasn’t able to be here. He gets to prepare for the Final Battle, The War in the Heavenlies, to be unlike anything seen or imagined here. And the best part? He gets to go to war knowing the outcome in advance – perfect victory, perfect freedom.
So, while I miss him tremendously and have had some rough days as of late, I know without a doubt Nathan is better than fine. He’s where he belongs and was meant to be. God not only still has purpose for him, He has even more purpose for Nate. For a long time, I thought Nathan had just finished the work God had for him here. That’s true. But I am beginning to understand it’s more than that. It’s that God has a whole lot more for him there. I have to be ok with that. And day by day, with the grace of God, I’m learning.