Death is strange

It's amazing how death affects us all different ways, at different times, directly or otherwise. Last week, I faced death again in two ways. A woman at work unexpectedly lost her daughter, who was the mother of five, including a one-month-old. Someone close to me dealt with the anniversary of his father's death. Neither of these has anything to do with me, or with Nathan. Yet it affected me. It forced me to think (ugh!) and deal with emotions. For those of you who don't know me, I'm not a huge fan of thinking. Emotions, I'm ok with. But thinking is highly overrated.

I asked a good friend why I keep reacting the way I do when someone at work passes away or copes with a loss in their life. I honestly didn't understand. I mean, I'm a pretty compassionate person. My heart hurts for those who suffer. I empathize. But I don't cry every time I watch the news. And yet, at work, it is so impactful. My friend, who has brilliant insight, pointed out that my own journey with Nate's cancer and subsequent death started at work. She's right. That's where I was when the word "tumor" first came into my life. I didn't realize how work still affects me. Even just being here sometimes. I cannot run away from everything that will ever trigger an emotion - otherwise, I'm avoiding Life, avoiding Healing, avoiding Hope, and surrendering to an unhealthy grief. But I do find it strange that I couldn't pinpoint that. I can handle talking about Nate, telling people about his disease, our life together, our journey through his illness, his death, my life since then. But I think oftentimes we are too close to have insight into our own lives and conditions.

The person coping with the anniversary of his father's death prompted me to ask him questions. And understand my own coping. Yes, I still talk to Nate. Not all the time. Not even every day. But I do. And I won't apologize. (No, he doesn't talk back.) Sometimes I ask him questions, what's he's doing, seeing, experiencing. I'll ask his opinion on what's going on in my life. But I'm left to ponder those questions alone. I'll not get an answer. And that's ok.

That's when I remind myself that I, through God, am enough. I can make decisions. I can deal with consequences. I am strong enough. A lot of that is because I was privileged enough to be married to a smart guy with a good, practical head on his shoulders. Turns out, he rubbed off (a little bit.) :) But I also know he thought I was a smart woman who would be ok. I love that he looked out for and took care of me. I hope someday I again have someone who wants to take on that burden permanently. I hope I get to take on the burden of taking care of someone else. But I'm ok. The best compliment Nate ever paid me (and anyone else probably ever will) was telling me I am a rose with roots of steel. Yeah, I'm ok.