Thank you for all the expressions of concern based on my last entry. I have had no whiplash, just minor things like headaches. Here it is the 20th of the month again. I must admit, I’m anxious to know if I’ll encounter the 20th of a month again without thinking of Nathan’s passing. I know I’ll certainly never not think of him on December 20th. And it’s not as though I’m consciously looking at the calendar with anticipation of the next 20th. At the same time, it doesn’t sneak up on me. I just wonder how down the road looks. A month or two ago, though, God gave me a paradigm shift. Birthdays and anniversaries typically connote happy occasions. I no longer think of the 20th of the month as the day of a death. Rather, today, I whispered, “Happy 7-month birthday, Nate.” After all, he was reborn, right? So I have started wishing him a happy new birthday. It may seem silly. That’s ok with me. It makes it easier to bear. It takes the sting out of the 20th of the month, though certainly doesn’t reduce the impact or pain.
I asked my mother, who lost her mom many years ago if dates like this get less noticeable in time. I mean, will I start looking at things in longer spans, like years, instead of simply months? I suppose I will. I started off evaluating hours since his passing. That eventually drifted into days, then weeks. It’s only been seven months. I still find it hard to believe. So quick, yet so long. It’s funny how time acts like that. One event, one moment can feel simultaneously as if it occurred only yesterday and like a lifetime ago. Maybe that’s how a day to God is like a thousand years. Maybe that’s a little glimpse into His sense of time. Singular moments that are wildly opposite in character and sensation.
I spoke to a friend today. I told him that sometimes, I get a little envious (not in a wishing-my-life-away kind of way) of Nate in heaven. My friend made a statement I never thought of before and that I’ll never forget. “It could have just as easily been you. But God has something beautiful for you here on this side of heaven.” I’ve known God still has purpose for me. And I’ve known He has not and will not abandon me. I’ve known there is still joy in this life. But I never thought about my future in the terms he spoke today. I never contemplated that I could have left Nate here. I don’t know why God’s plan is unfolding the way it is or why Nathan’s time on this side didn’t last longer. But yes, God has something beautiful here. God wanted Nathan at His side sooner rather than later. But this side of heaven is beautiful and was initially meant to be paradise. God does still have something beautiful in His plan on this side, even in store for little old me.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
An adventure I could have done without - but God still used.
July 16, 2009. Life certainly has a way of keeping me on my toes. Driving home last night (the 15th) at almost ten o'clock, I came upon some road construction. It was a surprise to come to a complete stop from driving the posted interstate speed, but I had plenty of room in front of me. As I was sitting stopped on the highway, the following thought ran through my silly little head – “Boy, if someone wasn’t paying attention, this could be bad.” Yep, you guessed it. About thirty seconds after that silly little thought, I heard a very loud crash; two seconds later, I heard a second crash. The second crash was accompanied by the jarring sensation of my car being slammed into. I collected myself quickly and once I realized I was physically ok, I got out to check on the other people in the other two cars.
After consulting with the driver of the second car, I returned to mine to get my cell phone and call emergency personnel. By the time I turned back around, the first car, the instigator of the wreck was gone. But he/she was kind enough to leave their front bumper on the road – complete with license plate We’ll see if anything comes of that. Long story short, (too late!) the tow truck driver drove me home, my car is in the shop & will likely take a week to get fixed, the claim is filed with my insurance company, I have a rental car, and I’m hoping they find the person who started this lovely chain of events so my insurance isn’t liable.
So, that’s the “what happened.” Here’s the “how I reacted / felt.” My first thought was, of course, “this sucks!” (pardon my thought-language.) I couldn’t believe how alone I felt. Who was I going to call? How do I get to work tomorrow? How do I get home tonight? How do I deal with all this? Who’s responsible for this? In that first moment, I felt completely by myself. I knew I wasn’t and I was quickly reminded (thanks, God!) I called two people here in Kansas City that are very dear in my life. Then I called my folks to give them a quick FYI with assurance I was fine and would call with details later. I hated that the car Nathan got me as a way of taking care of me after he passed, got wrecked. That broke my heart. Then one of my dear friends reminded me that the car *did* take care of me. I was safe; the car did what it was supposed to. It didn’t crumble like ash. It didn’t explode or disintegrate or act like a house of cards. I was protected and safe.
I was reassured by the presence of the very kind emergency personnel, tow drivers, and roadside assistants. Then God used it. He didn’t “show up” since He was there first. But He started moving in a way I could feel and understand. He started showing me the “why.” I got the opportunity to witness to the tow truck driver on the way to my house.
The tow driver asked typical questions which somehow lead to Nathan, his battle with cancer, death, and my subsequent journey. This man’s aunt, who is devoutly religious, was recently diagnosed with cancer. This, coupled with the recent death of his good friend and other circumstances of his past, have lead him to question the realness and validity of God. (It wasn’t a very long drive, but he was extremely open.) God just used the conversation so powerfully. I don’t know what this man’s faith ever was or is. But I’m prayerful God will use last night’s accident to touch the heart of this tow truck driver.
Last night, sleep was not easy in coming. Too much “fight-or-flight” in the bloodstream. Very little pain last night. But, the soreness is creeping upon me, the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion are on me full force. I will sleep like a champ tonight. God will continue to watch over me. As Mom and Dad were praying with me last night on the phone, Dad reminded me God sees us through. I remarked, “I know. But I’m starting to get tired of ‘through.’ I’d be ok with boring for a *little* while…”
After consulting with the driver of the second car, I returned to mine to get my cell phone and call emergency personnel. By the time I turned back around, the first car, the instigator of the wreck was gone. But he/she was kind enough to leave their front bumper on the road – complete with license plate We’ll see if anything comes of that. Long story short, (too late!) the tow truck driver drove me home, my car is in the shop & will likely take a week to get fixed, the claim is filed with my insurance company, I have a rental car, and I’m hoping they find the person who started this lovely chain of events so my insurance isn’t liable.
So, that’s the “what happened.” Here’s the “how I reacted / felt.” My first thought was, of course, “this sucks!” (pardon my thought-language.) I couldn’t believe how alone I felt. Who was I going to call? How do I get to work tomorrow? How do I get home tonight? How do I deal with all this? Who’s responsible for this? In that first moment, I felt completely by myself. I knew I wasn’t and I was quickly reminded (thanks, God!) I called two people here in Kansas City that are very dear in my life. Then I called my folks to give them a quick FYI with assurance I was fine and would call with details later. I hated that the car Nathan got me as a way of taking care of me after he passed, got wrecked. That broke my heart. Then one of my dear friends reminded me that the car *did* take care of me. I was safe; the car did what it was supposed to. It didn’t crumble like ash. It didn’t explode or disintegrate or act like a house of cards. I was protected and safe.
I was reassured by the presence of the very kind emergency personnel, tow drivers, and roadside assistants. Then God used it. He didn’t “show up” since He was there first. But He started moving in a way I could feel and understand. He started showing me the “why.” I got the opportunity to witness to the tow truck driver on the way to my house.
The tow driver asked typical questions which somehow lead to Nathan, his battle with cancer, death, and my subsequent journey. This man’s aunt, who is devoutly religious, was recently diagnosed with cancer. This, coupled with the recent death of his good friend and other circumstances of his past, have lead him to question the realness and validity of God. (It wasn’t a very long drive, but he was extremely open.) God just used the conversation so powerfully. I don’t know what this man’s faith ever was or is. But I’m prayerful God will use last night’s accident to touch the heart of this tow truck driver.
Last night, sleep was not easy in coming. Too much “fight-or-flight” in the bloodstream. Very little pain last night. But, the soreness is creeping upon me, the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion are on me full force. I will sleep like a champ tonight. God will continue to watch over me. As Mom and Dad were praying with me last night on the phone, Dad reminded me God sees us through. I remarked, “I know. But I’m starting to get tired of ‘through.’ I’d be ok with boring for a *little* while…”
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Fighting the Fight.
I heard someone speak at one of the Relays recently about “the fight.” This person had fought breast cancer and come out, with God’s strength, a survivor. She told of a relative who lost a similar battle with breast cancer because of fear. Fear of the side effects; fear to fight. The survivor encouraged everyone to never give up, always fight the cancer. It was a hard thing to hear. Please don’t misunderstand, I am all for fighting the battles that exist to fight. I am a huge proponent of early detection and would NEVER encourage anyone to not seek every option. There are some cancers that have tremendous resources available; treatment options are abundant, outcomes are hopeful. The more common cancers that see both survivors and succumbers will absolutely have more funding and research. I will never bemoan that there was not more information or more options for Nathan’s condition, though I would give everything to have him back by my side, happy and healthy.
But with cancer, there is not always a fight to be had. Sometimes, there is not battle to wage. Sometimes, we cannot rage against the dying of the light. However, that does not mean we go gentle into that good night. It means our fight, our battle, looks a bit different. As I mentioned earlier, one night while still at the hospital, after the diagnosis and prognosis, Nathan asked if I thought he was giving up by not trying treatment, not trying to fight. He has always had in him a warrior’s heart. It’s how God shaped and molded him and I love that. For such a man to ask if he is being perceived as surrendering must have heartbroken him. No, I did not think he was giving up. There was just no fight to be had against the cancer. That doesn’t mean he gave up and went gently. He still fought. But his fight was not against that which attacked his body. His fight during his illness was still physical, though. He fought to get well enough to get out of the house. He fought to stay ambulatory and mobile. He fought to stay out of the confines of one room in the house. He fought to stay mentally sharp and acute, which he did. He fought to stay awake. No, he did not rage nor did he go gently. He went as he should – a compassionate man more concerned that as long as there was breath in his body, there was kingdom work to be done. A good man who puts others’ needs ahead of his own. A man that knew God can use the strangest and oddest of circumstances to still affect the hearts of others, even when we aren’t awake. A warrior heart sailing on the seas to the next grand adventure.
I know the woman at the Relay meant only to encourage people. And I heard from other kind, well-intending people immediately after the prognosis tell me “if I were told I was terminal, I would try anything and everything to fight it.” Nathan and I would both have said the exact same thing before our journey through this. But I caution – until you have walked someone’s path (and who of us can do that?) please be careful in absolute statements. There isn’t always a fight against the cancer to be had. A terminal diagnosis is devastating. That doesn’t always mean you can rage against the dying of the light. But not fighting is NOT the same as surrender.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
July 3rd
I apologize for my too-long silence. The second Relay for Life, the one at which I spoke, went very well. It was certainly a difficult thing but extremely worthwhile. I hope to participate in the Relay for years to come, in some capacity or another.
I told my family early on after Nathan’s death that I wanted to come home for the Fourth of July, like normal. But, unlike normal, I did not think I would be ready to do the big family get-togethers, barbeques, fireworks things we typically did. I just thought it would be too hard. I was right. I’ve had a couple of tough weeks lately, what with the six-month anniversary of Nathan’s passing and this holiday coming up. The Fourth last year kind of turned into a marker. The last time we went home. The last time we went anywhere. Merely weeks before our lives were upended. So we have gone to a place in Mentone, AL for some quiet R&R as the immediate family. It’s absolutely what I needed. I’m free here to breathe, read, cry, laugh, reminisce, play with nephews, and even play my first round of (dreadfully terrible) golf.
Tomorrow is our Independence Day. I cannot help but be mutually saddened and excited. I am sad because Nate really enjoyed this holiday. We went back to Tennessee to see my side of the family every year at this time, despite the typically extreme heat and humidity of the South he disliked. He always looked forward to our time in Tennessee. Sad because the last time Nate was in Tennessee was for the Fourth last year. Sad because that’s when the amazing pictures of the family, and us as a couple were taken. Sad because we spent longer here last year for that holiday than we ever had, for reasons unbeknownst to us at the time. Sad because I just miss him so much.
So why in the world am I excited? Because I know that Nathan is experiencing freedom and Independence unlike anything we can know this side of heaven. Because he is walking in freedom with the ultimate Freedom Fighter and Life-giver himself, in what we were always meant to be. And because, if heaven is truly perfect and paradise, I know Nate is shooting the breeze with figures from the military history that he loves. He’s analyzing and strategizing. He’s worshipping side by side with men he’s long admired from ages past. C.S. Lewis and leaders of the first church; generals and privates alike from wars gone by. And he’s also learning in the freedom of heaven his impact and influence he has had on others that have gone before him, come after him, or still remain here on earth. And he’s getting to participate in something more than himself. He himself gets to be the strategist God designed him to be. He gets to be the military man he wasn’t able to be here. He gets to prepare for the Final Battle, The War in the Heavenlies, to be unlike anything seen or imagined here. And the best part? He gets to go to war knowing the outcome in advance – perfect victory, perfect freedom.
So, while I miss him tremendously and have had some rough days as of late, I know without a doubt Nathan is better than fine. He’s where he belongs and was meant to be. God not only still has purpose for him, He has even more purpose for Nate. For a long time, I thought Nathan had just finished the work God had for him here. That’s true. But I am beginning to understand it’s more than that. It’s that God has a whole lot more for him there. I have to be ok with that. And day by day, with the grace of God, I’m learning.
I told my family early on after Nathan’s death that I wanted to come home for the Fourth of July, like normal. But, unlike normal, I did not think I would be ready to do the big family get-togethers, barbeques, fireworks things we typically did. I just thought it would be too hard. I was right. I’ve had a couple of tough weeks lately, what with the six-month anniversary of Nathan’s passing and this holiday coming up. The Fourth last year kind of turned into a marker. The last time we went home. The last time we went anywhere. Merely weeks before our lives were upended. So we have gone to a place in Mentone, AL for some quiet R&R as the immediate family. It’s absolutely what I needed. I’m free here to breathe, read, cry, laugh, reminisce, play with nephews, and even play my first round of (dreadfully terrible) golf.
Tomorrow is our Independence Day. I cannot help but be mutually saddened and excited. I am sad because Nate really enjoyed this holiday. We went back to Tennessee to see my side of the family every year at this time, despite the typically extreme heat and humidity of the South he disliked. He always looked forward to our time in Tennessee. Sad because the last time Nate was in Tennessee was for the Fourth last year. Sad because that’s when the amazing pictures of the family, and us as a couple were taken. Sad because we spent longer here last year for that holiday than we ever had, for reasons unbeknownst to us at the time. Sad because I just miss him so much.
So why in the world am I excited? Because I know that Nathan is experiencing freedom and Independence unlike anything we can know this side of heaven. Because he is walking in freedom with the ultimate Freedom Fighter and Life-giver himself, in what we were always meant to be. And because, if heaven is truly perfect and paradise, I know Nate is shooting the breeze with figures from the military history that he loves. He’s analyzing and strategizing. He’s worshipping side by side with men he’s long admired from ages past. C.S. Lewis and leaders of the first church; generals and privates alike from wars gone by. And he’s also learning in the freedom of heaven his impact and influence he has had on others that have gone before him, come after him, or still remain here on earth. And he’s getting to participate in something more than himself. He himself gets to be the strategist God designed him to be. He gets to be the military man he wasn’t able to be here. He gets to prepare for the Final Battle, The War in the Heavenlies, to be unlike anything seen or imagined here. And the best part? He gets to go to war knowing the outcome in advance – perfect victory, perfect freedom.
So, while I miss him tremendously and have had some rough days as of late, I know without a doubt Nathan is better than fine. He’s where he belongs and was meant to be. God not only still has purpose for him, He has even more purpose for Nate. For a long time, I thought Nathan had just finished the work God had for him here. That’s true. But I am beginning to understand it’s more than that. It’s that God has a whole lot more for him there. I have to be ok with that. And day by day, with the grace of God, I’m learning.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Turnabout's fair play
Ok, I’m going to time-travel a little bit and relay a story from a month ago I keep meaning to tell but keep forgetting to. My fantastic dad had a milestone birthday in May. Seeing as how I have vacation days to take but no one around here to take them with on a regular basis, I thought my family and friends in Tennessee was a pretty good reason to take a day off. (Not bemoaning my circumstances; just explaining.) I have to back up for one moment and tell the best birthday present I ever got.
Nathan & I moved to Kansas City in January of 2001. I was getting homesick for my family by July. My birthday is in August. We found an apartment and everything was fine. Towards the middle or end of July, Nathan said we ought to look into buying a couch. I was fine with that, so we went shopping. He really wanted a sleeper sofa for some reason. That was fine. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t object. We found a couple but they were going to take up to eight weeks to be delivered. I didn’t care, but Nathan said that was too long. Let me interject – I was oblivious. I am kind of dense and don’t put two and two together very well sometimes. So, we finally find a satisfactory, affordable, sleeper-sofa that can be delivered in a timeframe that satisfies Nate. All’s well.
My birthday rolls around and he has bought me a gift certificate for a facial at a spa. I was pretty excited. I go & have my facial. Then I was supposed to go get my driver’s license. (It expired on my birthday.) I called him & asked if he wanted me to swing by and pick him up on my way to the DMV and then we could just leave from there to go to lunch. He said no, just do the DMV then come back. I had no reason to object or suspect anything. So I went to the DMV, got the license, then got back to the apartment. I didn’t see Nathan’s car in the parking lot, so I was a little confused. I open the door and he’s standing in the hall with the camera in his hands ready to take my picture. I was incredibly confused until I looked over to my left and saw my mom & dad standing in our kitchen! He surprised me by having my parents fly in for my birthday. He borrowed a van from some relatives to tote them around. He picked them up from the airport while I was getting my facial. I was given my family as a present. Needless to say, I was speechless. I was so giddy it was ridiculous. After I got over the shock, I suggest we ALL go to lunch. Dad said, “why don’t you open your present first?” I said, “No, I’ll open it when we get back.” He said, “I really think you should open it now.” I agreed. They told me it was in the guest room. I open the door and my brother & sister-in-law are standing there! Now the sleeper-sofa and larger vehicle finally make sense to me. I was given even more family as a present. So, that was the best gift I ever got.
Back to the present (well, May of 2009 at least.) I told Mom a few months ago I’d like to come home for Dad’s birthday. Then we decided to see if we could pull it off as a surprise. I bought my ticket in February and tried to keep my mouth shut. It wasn’t easy and I made a couple of slip-ups. But Dad didn’t notice or pick up on it. (I come by my obliviousness honestly, at least!) J I was trying to think of a way to make it so he wouldn’t have a clue. I suggested Mom take Dad out to breakfast for his birthday and pick me up at the airport afterwards. My flight was scheduled to land around 8:30 so Mom said, “Why don’t we pick you up on the way TO breakfast?” This did make more sense. But there’s no restaurant out by the airport that Mom would take Dad to. So we decided to get even sneakier. We had someone else pick me up and take me to the restaurant Mom would take Dad to – keep him off-guard as long as possible.
Dad tells Mom the Monday of his birthday week that he has a meeting on Friday, his birthday with a couple of guys. We were afraid we would have to spill the beans. But Mom kept her cool and told Dad she wanted to take him to breakfast on his birthday before all the craziness ensued and would he schedule it for mid-morning and at least let her do that. He, of course, agreed. So, the plan was back on. Friday morning rolls around. The plane lands. And I called Dad as I was disembarking to “wish him a happy birthday before he gets too busy throughout the day and what with the party that night and all…” I tell him about the weather we’re having in Kansas City. All the typical stuff. I throw in a little “I hope your present gets there today. I’m really bad at timing the mail. You’ll have to let me know when you get it…” I was feeling very excited and proud of myself. I knew I was going to pull it off!
I get picked up and we arrive at the restaurant. I wander around the dining area, rolling luggage in tow, looking for Mom and Dad. They weren’t there yet. So my ride and I crouch behind some souvenirs and trinkets in the gift shop watching the door. They arrived shortly thereafter. Mom knows we’re here and tells Dad she needs to run to the restroom. Dad offers to go get a table but Mom asks him to wait. Mom leaves. Dad is standing not two feet away looking through stuff. I straighten up, walk around the display corner, and just stand there for a moment. Dad turns and sees me. For a moment, he has the look on his face of “I’m trying to reconcile my worlds. That looks like my daughter but I’m pretty sure I’m in Nashville and I’m pretty sure she’s not here.” His jaw dropped as a huge smile came. I wished him a happy birthday again and gave him a huge hug. It was one of the few times I’ve seen my father rendered speechless. Throughout breakfast, he had this absolutely precious stunned by happy smile. I can relate. I had that same look on my face throughout lunch about 8 years earlier. I got to give my dad his family as a present.
Turnabout’s fair play. :)
Nathan & I moved to Kansas City in January of 2001. I was getting homesick for my family by July. My birthday is in August. We found an apartment and everything was fine. Towards the middle or end of July, Nathan said we ought to look into buying a couch. I was fine with that, so we went shopping. He really wanted a sleeper sofa for some reason. That was fine. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t object. We found a couple but they were going to take up to eight weeks to be delivered. I didn’t care, but Nathan said that was too long. Let me interject – I was oblivious. I am kind of dense and don’t put two and two together very well sometimes. So, we finally find a satisfactory, affordable, sleeper-sofa that can be delivered in a timeframe that satisfies Nate. All’s well.
My birthday rolls around and he has bought me a gift certificate for a facial at a spa. I was pretty excited. I go & have my facial. Then I was supposed to go get my driver’s license. (It expired on my birthday.) I called him & asked if he wanted me to swing by and pick him up on my way to the DMV and then we could just leave from there to go to lunch. He said no, just do the DMV then come back. I had no reason to object or suspect anything. So I went to the DMV, got the license, then got back to the apartment. I didn’t see Nathan’s car in the parking lot, so I was a little confused. I open the door and he’s standing in the hall with the camera in his hands ready to take my picture. I was incredibly confused until I looked over to my left and saw my mom & dad standing in our kitchen! He surprised me by having my parents fly in for my birthday. He borrowed a van from some relatives to tote them around. He picked them up from the airport while I was getting my facial. I was given my family as a present. Needless to say, I was speechless. I was so giddy it was ridiculous. After I got over the shock, I suggest we ALL go to lunch. Dad said, “why don’t you open your present first?” I said, “No, I’ll open it when we get back.” He said, “I really think you should open it now.” I agreed. They told me it was in the guest room. I open the door and my brother & sister-in-law are standing there! Now the sleeper-sofa and larger vehicle finally make sense to me. I was given even more family as a present. So, that was the best gift I ever got.
Back to the present (well, May of 2009 at least.) I told Mom a few months ago I’d like to come home for Dad’s birthday. Then we decided to see if we could pull it off as a surprise. I bought my ticket in February and tried to keep my mouth shut. It wasn’t easy and I made a couple of slip-ups. But Dad didn’t notice or pick up on it. (I come by my obliviousness honestly, at least!) J I was trying to think of a way to make it so he wouldn’t have a clue. I suggested Mom take Dad out to breakfast for his birthday and pick me up at the airport afterwards. My flight was scheduled to land around 8:30 so Mom said, “Why don’t we pick you up on the way TO breakfast?” This did make more sense. But there’s no restaurant out by the airport that Mom would take Dad to. So we decided to get even sneakier. We had someone else pick me up and take me to the restaurant Mom would take Dad to – keep him off-guard as long as possible.
Dad tells Mom the Monday of his birthday week that he has a meeting on Friday, his birthday with a couple of guys. We were afraid we would have to spill the beans. But Mom kept her cool and told Dad she wanted to take him to breakfast on his birthday before all the craziness ensued and would he schedule it for mid-morning and at least let her do that. He, of course, agreed. So, the plan was back on. Friday morning rolls around. The plane lands. And I called Dad as I was disembarking to “wish him a happy birthday before he gets too busy throughout the day and what with the party that night and all…” I tell him about the weather we’re having in Kansas City. All the typical stuff. I throw in a little “I hope your present gets there today. I’m really bad at timing the mail. You’ll have to let me know when you get it…” I was feeling very excited and proud of myself. I knew I was going to pull it off!
I get picked up and we arrive at the restaurant. I wander around the dining area, rolling luggage in tow, looking for Mom and Dad. They weren’t there yet. So my ride and I crouch behind some souvenirs and trinkets in the gift shop watching the door. They arrived shortly thereafter. Mom knows we’re here and tells Dad she needs to run to the restroom. Dad offers to go get a table but Mom asks him to wait. Mom leaves. Dad is standing not two feet away looking through stuff. I straighten up, walk around the display corner, and just stand there for a moment. Dad turns and sees me. For a moment, he has the look on his face of “I’m trying to reconcile my worlds. That looks like my daughter but I’m pretty sure I’m in Nashville and I’m pretty sure she’s not here.” His jaw dropped as a huge smile came. I wished him a happy birthday again and gave him a huge hug. It was one of the few times I’ve seen my father rendered speechless. Throughout breakfast, he had this absolutely precious stunned by happy smile. I can relate. I had that same look on my face throughout lunch about 8 years earlier. I got to give my dad his family as a present.
Turnabout’s fair play. :)
Relay for Life (take 1)
This weekend was, as usual, blessed and ordained by God. Friday night, I joined with six other women from my employer, along with others from the greater Kansas City area in the fight against cancer. I participated in my first (but hopefully not last or only) Relay for Life. This is one of the flagship fundraising events for the American Cancer Society. It's an all-night, 12-hour walk, with the goal being to have a member of each team walking on the track at all times. The seven of us set up camp, had tons of food, played games, and walked our little heinies off. There were numerous other teams there as well. None of us from our team had ever participated in this event before. I think I speak for all of us and say it was a powerful, impactful, and moving experience we all hope to do again. We each probably walked at least 3 or 4 hours. And we are so grateful to have participated.
Yes, I was a very sleepy girl by the time I got back home at 6 o'clock Saturday morning. I was awake for more than 24 hours, with the exception of a 20-minute nap about 3 o'clock in the morning. The event included a very moving luminary ceremony in which candles in paper bags line the track and are lit. Each bag and candle has the name of someone that is or has battled cancer being honored, supported, or memorialized, a visible tribute by loved ones. Other moving moments included hearing the stories of survivors and those that have fought cancer.
These events occur throughout the country and year. I am nervous but honored as I have been asked to speak at another Relay for Life event this coming Friday night. I will share the story of Nathan and me, from my perspective as a caregiver. It was very humbling to be asked. I covet your prayers that God will be able to use this opportunity He's presented me. I don't want to get in His way.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Graduation weekend
Well, I'm all graduated. I don't yet have my degree (I still have one little ole class to take or clep test to pass.) Mom and Dad came in first thing Friday morning. We spent the day running around getting things for the party and just being together. Mom & I went to a concert together Friday night & had a wonderful time. (Don't worry - there was a basketball game on to occupy Dad.)
Saturday morning we got up & drove to the convention center, I registered, then Mom & Dad left to go find their seats. It was nice to see some former classmates & professors. It was also a bit strange and lonesome standing there, alone with my thoughts in a crowd of people celebrating. I missed Nate very much. Then the procession started - with a fife and drum corp. Nathan & I both very much loved fifes & drums. So, as the pipes are playing, I'm standing in line getting misty-eyed, knowing how Nate would have loved this. I pulled myself together enough to walk in and take my seat. The commencement exercises were lovely; the speakers were excellent. But the keynote speaker sent me over the edge at one point.
She was talking about her father, who passed away four years ago, and the time he was in the hospital as his time approached. Though she was struggling to see him in his condition, he was encouraging her and giving her strength. He called her to crawl up on the bed and lay her head on his shoulder. That brought back such a flood of memories for me of my time with Nate - curling up next to him in his bed at the hospital; falling asleep that last night while sitting in my chair pushed against his bed with my head resting on his shoulder. That made me lose it. The tears start to flow. But this is still before the walk across the stage. I fought to compose myself so I wouldn't cry too hard. I didn't mind the tears falling. I did not, however, want the mascara to run so much that I looked like Alice Cooper as my name was called and I crossed the stage in front of all those people. I managed to get through the rest of the ceremony without major incidence (i.e. tripping on the stupid gown or anything.)
I met up with my parents, as well as Nathan's grandmother & step-grandfather afterwards. I thought it was so precious that they came to the ceremony. We visited for a bit, then headed out. Once in the car, the waterworks started and this time, I didn't care. Mascara or no, I let the tears fall as they may. I touched the rings on my chain, reached back & clung to Mom's hand, and just cried for a moment. I know Nathan was with me. I know Nathan is proud of me. I know Nathan loves me. The day was certainly more sweet than bitter, but I missed getting to see his bright blue eyes smiling at me. I also couldn't help but think of my grandfather (Mom's dad) to whom education was so critically important. I know he was proud of me, too.It was nice to have people dropping in and out over a couple of hours to say hi and wish me well that afternoon. Then the three of us went out for a celebratory dinner, which was fabulous. We walked around the Plaza for a bit, then came home and crashed. Sunday after church, Dad & I hit the driving range for a bit. It was such a pleasure this weekend to have a great visit with both of them together & get some very cool one-on-one time with each of them enjoying different activities. In some regards, I am very much my father's daughter. In other ways, I am every bit my mother. And in some things, I am a quirky nut with traits no one takes the blame, I mean credit, for. I like that.
Overall, it was an excellent weekend that ended too soon.
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