Two Firsts in Eight Days

I don't even know how to say the phrase. Tomorrow "is" Nathan's birthday. "would be" his birthday. "would have been"... I don't know what the right terminology is. Anyways, August 8th is the day Nathan was born. I don't know what I'll do nor do I know how I'll feel. I know it will be difficult. I know it won't feel normal or even right. I'm trying to find positives in it though. After all, God shared Nathan with this world for 35 years. That's pretty cool. I'm focusing on the adventures Nate has in his new life and knowing I don't have to worry about him anymore, with his suffering from cancer or just get older in general. I know he's fine. I know he's happy. But man, is tomorrow gonna suck!
The second "first" I'll face over the next eight days will be my birthday. My first without Nate. My first since the diagnosis. And my last birthday? Not great. That was the day everything started to tank. That was the beginning of my world being upended. It was supposed to be a milestone. It was, but not as we planned. So, I'm not sure what to think of it. I don't feel like I'm about to be 31. I don't feel like I ever turned 30. (Heck, I still act like I'm 12 but that's another issue.) According to the calendar, 31 is almost here, though. I've always loved birthdays & looked forward to them. I'm not sure what to think of this one. I want to be excited. But part of me is dreading it and part of me is despising it. Only time will tell.
But God still has beautiful things planned for my life (thanks for the reminder, Bryce!)
So, I'm heading to the beach next week with my mother. I've been yearning for the sun, the salty air, and the calm that comes with the constancy of the pounding of waves. It's been five years since I've been to an ocean. I thought the week between Nathan's birthday and my own would be the perfect time to seek solace and respite. That, I AM looking forward to. Couldn't ask for a better companion. My plan is to sit on the beach and just BREATHE.