Two postings...

Tuesday August 11, 2009. So, the first of the firsts has come and gone. Guess what? I survived it too. God is still God and Life is still good. Saturday was a challenging day. But not horrible. Friday I kept thinking of what I would be doing if the turn of events hadn’t changed the way they had. Prepping dinner, planning to take him out, figuring out what movie to see, etc. None of those happened. I had some quiet, reflective moments Saturday. I even teared up a time or two. But the day was, overall, fine. The tears didn’t fall until Sunday. I was getting ready for my trip (I’m writing this entry at 30,000 feet.) I was emptying the memory card from my camera onto the computer and going through old photos. Needless to say, many were of Nate. I was struck by something - a conversation I had with my mother a couple of days before. Some friends were over at mom & dad’s for dinner Friday night and they noticed the photos in the hall. They were particularly struck by the photo of Nathan & me. I think because of how happy we look and the genuine spark and twinkle of life in Nate’s eyes and smile. Mom told them the picture was taken a mere 6 weeks before we learned of his illness, diagnosis, and prognosis. During my conversation with mom, we came to the conclusion of what a blessing the timing was because of the light in his eyes. We somehow doubted it would have been there if he knew he would die soon. I seriously doubt the genuine peace and happiness on my own countenance would have remained. Anywho, I was looking through the photos on my memory card. The pictures of Nate were post-illness. The tears poured as I saw his sweet face, smile, and yes – the same genuine spark of life and joy and peace and contentment was there in his eyes. Just like always. I called Mom to tell her she was wrong. There were pictures of him still playing with his nephews and being silly. And then, my heart just broke. The youngest of the nephews, who was barely more than a year when they came to visit us in Kansas City, was sitting on Uncle Nate’s lap, just grinning as big a smile as he could. The smile on those two faces, and knowing that my nephew won’t have memories to cling to of his uncle just wrecked me.
I’m getting very excited about my trip to the beach. This is the first time I’ll have been to the ocean in about five years. Waaayyyyy too long for my taste. I’m looking forward to the company as well. I don’t believe I’ve ever been on vacation with just my mother (at least, not as an adult.) I think our time together will be amazing, since she is one of my dearest friends. But I know there will be challenging moments as well. As silly as it may sound, I’m still not used to flying or going on trips alone. I usually look for a seat in between two people or at least, by one. I rarely go for the open row. (I know someone will sit next to me eventually anyway; at least this way I get to kind of pick.) I know I will be very aware of not being at Nathan’s side, sitting on the beach. But I keep reminding myself that God will still be at my side, as He always has been and always will be. Empty chairs are never truly empty. And, in some way, yes – I’m bringing Nate to the beach too.
August 26,2009. He time at the beach with my mother was wonderful. It was such a blessing. We spent a lot of time in the water, a lot of time lying happily on the beach. We spent time in the pool, taking relaxing naps, going to the movies, and of course shopping! It wasn’t the activities that made the trip wonderful, though. It was the company and the respite I personally have always found at the ocean. One night we were walking along the beach after dinner. The waves were creeping up higher on the shore, erasing the footprints, bird tracks, sand castles, and holes from the day. I just stood there and watched as the sand turned into a pristine canvas for the next day’s activities. Truly a blank slate. Then a very comforting phrase came to mind, “His mercies are new every morning.” That phrase has never come so alive and been so real and glaringly obvious to me as it was at that moment. That’s how God’s love and mercy is. It erases the mess of the day, making it new and clean and perfect again. I will never understand why I continue to fall short, why I continue to make a mess of my life, and why I have a Father who forgives me anew every day, without fail, no matter how big of a mess I make. But I know He does. Everytime. As far as the east is from the west. With an ocean in the middle.
My birthday was a challenge, but God’s grace was there. It wasn’t easy. But I never have to have another “first” birthday again. There was definitely sorrow. There was also joy. This trip was the right thing at the right time with the right company.