Amazing Grace

October 1, 2009
A lot has happened since my last entry. The first thing that comes to mind is September 20th. This was the first month that the 20th came and went without notice or recognition that it was the date of the month on which Nathan slipped away. I realized it the morning of the 21st. For a split second, I had guilt. I know beyond doubt that was an attack from the enemy. But it was rapidly replaced with the Lord’s peace and relief. He reminded me I am not shackled to guilt nor is my identity in death. Rather, it is a sign I am moving forward. The most striking thing about this was the recollection of a conversation I had with another widow about six months before in which I distinctly remember asking “Will I ever see the 20th of a month without pain and sorrow?” She assured time and Christ would create a salve on that wound, providing it comfort and taking away death’s sting. I had a hard time believing her at the time. She was right, I am thrilled to report.

I have come to another realization that I’m not thrilled with myself about. This is strictly self-study and criticism. This is not to be taken as me critiquing anyone else. That’s not my place. I am the last to judge anyone. I have realized that as a Christian, it is extremely easy for me to become complacent and lazy in my pursuit of Christ and of holiness. I rely too heavily on what I already know and believe to seek and to question. I am so grateful beyond description for my salvation. But I have become very lackadaisical and unenthusiastic in pursuing a deeper knowledge and closer relationship with an Almighty God and Perfect Father. This realization has come very slowly (as previously mentioned, I’m a little slow on the uptake.) I have had amazing conversations with someone who was raised very differently from me and who is getting to know who God is and what He is about so as to make a decision regarding faith and belief. This person has my utmost respect in his questions and pursuit of knowledge. Whereas I have “always” believed, he is searching with an adult heart. I am beginning to understand better the phrase “faith of a child.” I believe it is easier to trust in and believe in God when one is not jaded by experience and time. However, God can capture hearts at any time in life if hearts are open.But I digress. This person recently made a very astute observation. We were discussing the opening lyrics to the hymn “Amazing Grace.” “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” We got to that part and he turned to me and said, “That’s what I am – a wretch.” How he has such a deep understanding of the frail human condition is remarkably astute. I sometimes forget I’m just a wretch. But the conversation progressed and I told him, “we are all wretches. That’s how God finds us all. But it’s not how He leaves us. We’re all wretches, some of us are just forgiven and washed in the blood.”Tonight, this conversation came back with resonance and penetrated my heart deeper. God took his words and mine and is mining me deeper with them. We are wretched. Nothing we can ever do will change that fact. But God does not feed us a bowlful and turn away, leaving us dirty and hungry, asking, “Please sir. Can I have some more?” like Oliver. No. God looks at the dirty wretch, the Oliver, the prodigal child and scoops us in His arms. Dirty, smelly, gross, grimy. But the cool thing is that God hasn’t waited just for our outstretched arms. He pursues us. He scans the horizon, screaming our name, begging and calling us to come home and be forgiven. He runs to meet the wretch. He puts nice clothes on icky bodies. He puts rings on dingy hands and kisses filthy cheeks and heads. Just like a Daddy. He brings us into to the best chair, warms us by the fire, cleans us with warm soapy water to wash away the stench and make us feel as treasured as we are. He cleans us, not for His sake but for our own. He holds us close as we sink into His deep chest wrapped tightly in His arms. He feeds us warm food and gives us deep blankets on a soft bed to rest. He makes Oliver the prince. He makes the wretch an heir. His love is not conditional. His love comes first. Our response to His love should be obedience. My response to His love and grace and compassion and mercy should be an unbridled pursuit to know Him better. As God opens my eyes and heart through conversations and musings of one who does not know Him, I am convicted to seek and know Him more. As this person recently reminded me when he found this passage in Matthew he liked, it is the sick that need the doctor, not the well. I pray God continues to remind me that I’m still sick, just healed by continual doses of Godly medicine.