As I am sure you're all aware, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Pink is everywhere, as are ribbon-shaped items all in conjunction with bringing this disease to the forefront of consciousness. Some people are offended by this because they feel all cancer should be paid equal heed. I can only speak for me. Personally, I have no objection to there being different months, organizations, fundraisers, etc for various cancers. The truth of the matter is, some cancers are more preventable or controlled by behavioral factors. Some are more common. Some have higher success rates of beating with early detection. Breast cancer is the most frequently found cancer for women, aside from skin cancer. It is also the second-most deadly cancer for women. However, it also currently has an 89% 5-year survival rate. So, why shouldn't early detection be promoted to help rid something that is not preventable, but is detectable and, in many circumstances, treatable?
I support the leukemia-lymphoma society. I'm all for the colo-rectal cancer calendar. But I'm not going to get worked up because our nation has decided to focus for a month on breast cancer when my husband died of cholangiocarcinoma. Yes, I would like his disease to get more attention. Yes, I would like there to be more research and funding poured into it. But it is much more rare, which means that funding would help fewer people. It's diagnosed 2,000 - 3,000 times a year in the U.S., as opposed to over 190,000 expected cases of breast cancer this year. For cholangiocarcinoma that can be operated on, the 5-year survival rate is 20-40%. Unfortunately, the majority of diagnoses occur beyond the point of surgery being possible. Without surgery, the rate is less than 10%. If the two cancers must be compared, I'm all for saving lives through awareness and early detection. I would love for there to have been something that could have saved Nathan's life. But that was not to be. I refuse to become bitter or angry because his cancer didn't get enough attention. And, knowing Nate, he would not have wished someone else had to suffer or die so he could live. He didn't bring this disease upon himself. But he bore his final burden as a warrior.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Amazing Grace
October 1, 2009
A lot has happened since my last entry. The first thing that comes to mind is September 20th. This was the first month that the 20th came and went without notice or recognition that it was the date of the month on which Nathan slipped away. I realized it the morning of the 21st. For a split second, I had guilt. I know beyond doubt that was an attack from the enemy. But it was rapidly replaced with the Lord’s peace and relief. He reminded me I am not shackled to guilt nor is my identity in death. Rather, it is a sign I am moving forward. The most striking thing about this was the recollection of a conversation I had with another widow about six months before in which I distinctly remember asking “Will I ever see the 20th of a month without pain and sorrow?” She assured time and Christ would create a salve on that wound, providing it comfort and taking away death’s sting. I had a hard time believing her at the time. She was right, I am thrilled to report.
I have come to another realization that I’m not thrilled with myself about. This is strictly self-study and criticism. This is not to be taken as me critiquing anyone else. That’s not my place. I am the last to judge anyone. I have realized that as a Christian, it is extremely easy for me to become complacent and lazy in my pursuit of Christ and of holiness. I rely too heavily on what I already know and believe to seek and to question. I am so grateful beyond description for my salvation. But I have become very lackadaisical and unenthusiastic in pursuing a deeper knowledge and closer relationship with an Almighty God and Perfect Father. This realization has come very slowly (as previously mentioned, I’m a little slow on the uptake.) I have had amazing conversations with someone who was raised very differently from me and who is getting to know who God is and what He is about so as to make a decision regarding faith and belief. This person has my utmost respect in his questions and pursuit of knowledge. Whereas I have “always” believed, he is searching with an adult heart. I am beginning to understand better the phrase “faith of a child.” I believe it is easier to trust in and believe in God when one is not jaded by experience and time. However, God can capture hearts at any time in life if hearts are open.But I digress. This person recently made a very astute observation. We were discussing the opening lyrics to the hymn “Amazing Grace.” “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” We got to that part and he turned to me and said, “That’s what I am – a wretch.” How he has such a deep understanding of the frail human condition is remarkably astute. I sometimes forget I’m just a wretch. But the conversation progressed and I told him, “we are all wretches. That’s how God finds us all. But it’s not how He leaves us. We’re all wretches, some of us are just forgiven and washed in the blood.”Tonight, this conversation came back with resonance and penetrated my heart deeper. God took his words and mine and is mining me deeper with them. We are wretched. Nothing we can ever do will change that fact. But God does not feed us a bowlful and turn away, leaving us dirty and hungry, asking, “Please sir. Can I have some more?” like Oliver. No. God looks at the dirty wretch, the Oliver, the prodigal child and scoops us in His arms. Dirty, smelly, gross, grimy. But the cool thing is that God hasn’t waited just for our outstretched arms. He pursues us. He scans the horizon, screaming our name, begging and calling us to come home and be forgiven. He runs to meet the wretch. He puts nice clothes on icky bodies. He puts rings on dingy hands and kisses filthy cheeks and heads. Just like a Daddy. He brings us into to the best chair, warms us by the fire, cleans us with warm soapy water to wash away the stench and make us feel as treasured as we are. He cleans us, not for His sake but for our own. He holds us close as we sink into His deep chest wrapped tightly in His arms. He feeds us warm food and gives us deep blankets on a soft bed to rest. He makes Oliver the prince. He makes the wretch an heir. His love is not conditional. His love comes first. Our response to His love should be obedience. My response to His love and grace and compassion and mercy should be an unbridled pursuit to know Him better. As God opens my eyes and heart through conversations and musings of one who does not know Him, I am convicted to seek and know Him more. As this person recently reminded me when he found this passage in Matthew he liked, it is the sick that need the doctor, not the well. I pray God continues to remind me that I’m still sick, just healed by continual doses of Godly medicine.
A lot has happened since my last entry. The first thing that comes to mind is September 20th. This was the first month that the 20th came and went without notice or recognition that it was the date of the month on which Nathan slipped away. I realized it the morning of the 21st. For a split second, I had guilt. I know beyond doubt that was an attack from the enemy. But it was rapidly replaced with the Lord’s peace and relief. He reminded me I am not shackled to guilt nor is my identity in death. Rather, it is a sign I am moving forward. The most striking thing about this was the recollection of a conversation I had with another widow about six months before in which I distinctly remember asking “Will I ever see the 20th of a month without pain and sorrow?” She assured time and Christ would create a salve on that wound, providing it comfort and taking away death’s sting. I had a hard time believing her at the time. She was right, I am thrilled to report.
I have come to another realization that I’m not thrilled with myself about. This is strictly self-study and criticism. This is not to be taken as me critiquing anyone else. That’s not my place. I am the last to judge anyone. I have realized that as a Christian, it is extremely easy for me to become complacent and lazy in my pursuit of Christ and of holiness. I rely too heavily on what I already know and believe to seek and to question. I am so grateful beyond description for my salvation. But I have become very lackadaisical and unenthusiastic in pursuing a deeper knowledge and closer relationship with an Almighty God and Perfect Father. This realization has come very slowly (as previously mentioned, I’m a little slow on the uptake.) I have had amazing conversations with someone who was raised very differently from me and who is getting to know who God is and what He is about so as to make a decision regarding faith and belief. This person has my utmost respect in his questions and pursuit of knowledge. Whereas I have “always” believed, he is searching with an adult heart. I am beginning to understand better the phrase “faith of a child.” I believe it is easier to trust in and believe in God when one is not jaded by experience and time. However, God can capture hearts at any time in life if hearts are open.But I digress. This person recently made a very astute observation. We were discussing the opening lyrics to the hymn “Amazing Grace.” “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” We got to that part and he turned to me and said, “That’s what I am – a wretch.” How he has such a deep understanding of the frail human condition is remarkably astute. I sometimes forget I’m just a wretch. But the conversation progressed and I told him, “we are all wretches. That’s how God finds us all. But it’s not how He leaves us. We’re all wretches, some of us are just forgiven and washed in the blood.”Tonight, this conversation came back with resonance and penetrated my heart deeper. God took his words and mine and is mining me deeper with them. We are wretched. Nothing we can ever do will change that fact. But God does not feed us a bowlful and turn away, leaving us dirty and hungry, asking, “Please sir. Can I have some more?” like Oliver. No. God looks at the dirty wretch, the Oliver, the prodigal child and scoops us in His arms. Dirty, smelly, gross, grimy. But the cool thing is that God hasn’t waited just for our outstretched arms. He pursues us. He scans the horizon, screaming our name, begging and calling us to come home and be forgiven. He runs to meet the wretch. He puts nice clothes on icky bodies. He puts rings on dingy hands and kisses filthy cheeks and heads. Just like a Daddy. He brings us into to the best chair, warms us by the fire, cleans us with warm soapy water to wash away the stench and make us feel as treasured as we are. He cleans us, not for His sake but for our own. He holds us close as we sink into His deep chest wrapped tightly in His arms. He feeds us warm food and gives us deep blankets on a soft bed to rest. He makes Oliver the prince. He makes the wretch an heir. His love is not conditional. His love comes first. Our response to His love should be obedience. My response to His love and grace and compassion and mercy should be an unbridled pursuit to know Him better. As God opens my eyes and heart through conversations and musings of one who does not know Him, I am convicted to seek and know Him more. As this person recently reminded me when he found this passage in Matthew he liked, it is the sick that need the doctor, not the well. I pray God continues to remind me that I’m still sick, just healed by continual doses of Godly medicine.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Two postings...
Tuesday August 11, 2009. So, the first of the firsts has come and gone. Guess what? I survived it too. God is still God and Life is still good. Saturday was a challenging day. But not horrible. Friday I kept thinking of what I would be doing if the turn of events hadn’t changed the way they had. Prepping dinner, planning to take him out, figuring out what movie to see, etc. None of those happened. I had some quiet, reflective moments Saturday. I even teared up a time or two. But the day was, overall, fine. The tears didn’t fall until Sunday. I was getting ready for my trip (I’m writing this entry at 30,000 feet.) I was emptying the memory card from my camera onto the computer and going through old photos. Needless to say, many were of Nate. I was struck by something - a conversation I had with my mother a couple of days before. Some friends were over at mom & dad’s for dinner Friday night and they noticed the photos in the hall. They were particularly struck by the photo of Nathan & me. I think because of how happy we look and the genuine spark and twinkle of life in Nate’s eyes and smile. Mom told them the picture was taken a mere 6 weeks before we learned of his illness, diagnosis, and prognosis. During my conversation with mom, we came to the conclusion of what a blessing the timing was because of the light in his eyes. We somehow doubted it would have been there if he knew he would die soon. I seriously doubt the genuine peace and happiness on my own countenance would have remained. Anywho, I was looking through the photos on my memory card. The pictures of Nate were post-illness. The tears poured as I saw his sweet face, smile, and yes – the same genuine spark of life and joy and peace and contentment was there in his eyes. Just like always. I called Mom to tell her she was wrong. There were pictures of him still playing with his nephews and being silly. And then, my heart just broke. The youngest of the nephews, who was barely more than a year when they came to visit us in Kansas City, was sitting on Uncle Nate’s lap, just grinning as big a smile as he could. The smile on those two faces, and knowing that my nephew won’t have memories to cling to of his uncle just wrecked me.
I’m getting very excited about my trip to the beach. This is the first time I’ll have been to the ocean in about five years. Waaayyyyy too long for my taste. I’m looking forward to the company as well. I don’t believe I’ve ever been on vacation with just my mother (at least, not as an adult.) I think our time together will be amazing, since she is one of my dearest friends. But I know there will be challenging moments as well. As silly as it may sound, I’m still not used to flying or going on trips alone. I usually look for a seat in between two people or at least, by one. I rarely go for the open row. (I know someone will sit next to me eventually anyway; at least this way I get to kind of pick.) I know I will be very aware of not being at Nathan’s side, sitting on the beach. But I keep reminding myself that God will still be at my side, as He always has been and always will be. Empty chairs are never truly empty. And, in some way, yes – I’m bringing Nate to the beach too.
August 26,2009. He time at the beach with my mother was wonderful. It was such a blessing. We spent a lot of time in the water, a lot of time lying happily on the beach. We spent time in the pool, taking relaxing naps, going to the movies, and of course shopping! It wasn’t the activities that made the trip wonderful, though. It was the company and the respite I personally have always found at the ocean. One night we were walking along the beach after dinner. The waves were creeping up higher on the shore, erasing the footprints, bird tracks, sand castles, and holes from the day. I just stood there and watched as the sand turned into a pristine canvas for the next day’s activities. Truly a blank slate. Then a very comforting phrase came to mind, “His mercies are new every morning.” That phrase has never come so alive and been so real and glaringly obvious to me as it was at that moment. That’s how God’s love and mercy is. It erases the mess of the day, making it new and clean and perfect again. I will never understand why I continue to fall short, why I continue to make a mess of my life, and why I have a Father who forgives me anew every day, without fail, no matter how big of a mess I make. But I know He does. Everytime. As far as the east is from the west. With an ocean in the middle.
My birthday was a challenge, but God’s grace was there. It wasn’t easy. But I never have to have another “first” birthday again. There was definitely sorrow. There was also joy. This trip was the right thing at the right time with the right company.
I’m getting very excited about my trip to the beach. This is the first time I’ll have been to the ocean in about five years. Waaayyyyy too long for my taste. I’m looking forward to the company as well. I don’t believe I’ve ever been on vacation with just my mother (at least, not as an adult.) I think our time together will be amazing, since she is one of my dearest friends. But I know there will be challenging moments as well. As silly as it may sound, I’m still not used to flying or going on trips alone. I usually look for a seat in between two people or at least, by one. I rarely go for the open row. (I know someone will sit next to me eventually anyway; at least this way I get to kind of pick.) I know I will be very aware of not being at Nathan’s side, sitting on the beach. But I keep reminding myself that God will still be at my side, as He always has been and always will be. Empty chairs are never truly empty. And, in some way, yes – I’m bringing Nate to the beach too.
August 26,2009. He time at the beach with my mother was wonderful. It was such a blessing. We spent a lot of time in the water, a lot of time lying happily on the beach. We spent time in the pool, taking relaxing naps, going to the movies, and of course shopping! It wasn’t the activities that made the trip wonderful, though. It was the company and the respite I personally have always found at the ocean. One night we were walking along the beach after dinner. The waves were creeping up higher on the shore, erasing the footprints, bird tracks, sand castles, and holes from the day. I just stood there and watched as the sand turned into a pristine canvas for the next day’s activities. Truly a blank slate. Then a very comforting phrase came to mind, “His mercies are new every morning.” That phrase has never come so alive and been so real and glaringly obvious to me as it was at that moment. That’s how God’s love and mercy is. It erases the mess of the day, making it new and clean and perfect again. I will never understand why I continue to fall short, why I continue to make a mess of my life, and why I have a Father who forgives me anew every day, without fail, no matter how big of a mess I make. But I know He does. Everytime. As far as the east is from the west. With an ocean in the middle.
My birthday was a challenge, but God’s grace was there. It wasn’t easy. But I never have to have another “first” birthday again. There was definitely sorrow. There was also joy. This trip was the right thing at the right time with the right company.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Two Firsts in Eight Days
I don't even know how to say the phrase. Tomorrow "is" Nathan's birthday. "would be" his birthday. "would have been"... I don't know what the right terminology is. Anyways, August 8th is the day Nathan was born. I don't know what I'll do nor do I know how I'll feel. I know it will be difficult. I know it won't feel normal or even right. I'm trying to find positives in it though. After all, God shared Nathan with this world for 35 years. That's pretty cool. I'm focusing on the adventures Nate has in his new life and knowing I don't have to worry about him anymore, with his suffering from cancer or just get older in general. I know he's fine. I know he's happy. But man, is tomorrow gonna suck!
The second "first" I'll face over the next eight days will be my birthday. My first without Nate. My first since the diagnosis. And my last birthday? Not great. That was the day everything started to tank. That was the beginning of my world being upended. It was supposed to be a milestone. It was, but not as we planned. So, I'm not sure what to think of it. I don't feel like I'm about to be 31. I don't feel like I ever turned 30. (Heck, I still act like I'm 12 but that's another issue.) According to the calendar, 31 is almost here, though. I've always loved birthdays & looked forward to them. I'm not sure what to think of this one. I want to be excited. But part of me is dreading it and part of me is despising it. Only time will tell.
But God still has beautiful things planned for my life (thanks for the reminder, Bryce!)
So, I'm heading to the beach next week with my mother. I've been yearning for the sun, the salty air, and the calm that comes with the constancy of the pounding of waves. It's been five years since I've been to an ocean. I thought the week between Nathan's birthday and my own would be the perfect time to seek solace and respite. That, I AM looking forward to. Couldn't ask for a better companion. My plan is to sit on the beach and just BREATHE.
The second "first" I'll face over the next eight days will be my birthday. My first without Nate. My first since the diagnosis. And my last birthday? Not great. That was the day everything started to tank. That was the beginning of my world being upended. It was supposed to be a milestone. It was, but not as we planned. So, I'm not sure what to think of it. I don't feel like I'm about to be 31. I don't feel like I ever turned 30. (Heck, I still act like I'm 12 but that's another issue.) According to the calendar, 31 is almost here, though. I've always loved birthdays & looked forward to them. I'm not sure what to think of this one. I want to be excited. But part of me is dreading it and part of me is despising it. Only time will tell.
But God still has beautiful things planned for my life (thanks for the reminder, Bryce!)
So, I'm heading to the beach next week with my mother. I've been yearning for the sun, the salty air, and the calm that comes with the constancy of the pounding of waves. It's been five years since I've been to an ocean. I thought the week between Nathan's birthday and my own would be the perfect time to seek solace and respite. That, I AM looking forward to. Couldn't ask for a better companion. My plan is to sit on the beach and just BREATHE.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Blog Title Source
For those of you that may not have followed the original caring bridge site, I decided to post a snippet of the journal entry that led to the "dontsavetheperfume" title for this blog full of ramblings. This is an excerpt from an entry originally written in mid-November.
I feel compelled to share a couple of things I've been thinking about lately. Just some realizations I've had that I wish I'd had years ago. Anywho... (1) Don't save perfume / cologne for a special occasion or social funtion filled with people I don't actually care about and won't see again. Rather, realize that every day with a loved one is special and worthy of perfume. After all, he's the one I want to impress. (2) Don't dress up for work and look like a slob on the weekends. Not to say I don't still stay in PJs for a while Saturday morning. But as I have the opportunity to wear jeans and T-shirts more often, I find myself wanting to wear some of Nathan's favorite things he enjoys seeing me in, whether dressy or casual.
It seems trite, but I want to continue to give Nate, as John Eldridge says, a beauty to pursue. I know Nathan loves me unconditionally. I know he loves my heart, my soul, my personality, and thinks I'm beautiful inside and out. I know he feels loved by and cared for by me. But I want to walk into a room and have him think I'm pretty in that outfit. Or that I smell nice when we hug or I sit down next to him. These are trivial things I've neglected worrying about in the last several years. After all, we're married, we're not going anywhere, etc. But why should I stop trying to be worthy of the pursuit, just because he's caught me? :)
I feel compelled to share a couple of things I've been thinking about lately. Just some realizations I've had that I wish I'd had years ago. Anywho... (1) Don't save perfume / cologne for a special occasion or social funtion filled with people I don't actually care about and won't see again. Rather, realize that every day with a loved one is special and worthy of perfume. After all, he's the one I want to impress. (2) Don't dress up for work and look like a slob on the weekends. Not to say I don't still stay in PJs for a while Saturday morning. But as I have the opportunity to wear jeans and T-shirts more often, I find myself wanting to wear some of Nathan's favorite things he enjoys seeing me in, whether dressy or casual.
It seems trite, but I want to continue to give Nate, as John Eldridge says, a beauty to pursue. I know Nathan loves me unconditionally. I know he loves my heart, my soul, my personality, and thinks I'm beautiful inside and out. I know he feels loved by and cared for by me. But I want to walk into a room and have him think I'm pretty in that outfit. Or that I smell nice when we hug or I sit down next to him. These are trivial things I've neglected worrying about in the last several years. After all, we're married, we're not going anywhere, etc. But why should I stop trying to be worthy of the pursuit, just because he's caught me? :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
July 20, 2009
Thank you for all the expressions of concern based on my last entry. I have had no whiplash, just minor things like headaches. Here it is the 20th of the month again. I must admit, I’m anxious to know if I’ll encounter the 20th of a month again without thinking of Nathan’s passing. I know I’ll certainly never not think of him on December 20th. And it’s not as though I’m consciously looking at the calendar with anticipation of the next 20th. At the same time, it doesn’t sneak up on me. I just wonder how down the road looks. A month or two ago, though, God gave me a paradigm shift. Birthdays and anniversaries typically connote happy occasions. I no longer think of the 20th of the month as the day of a death. Rather, today, I whispered, “Happy 7-month birthday, Nate.” After all, he was reborn, right? So I have started wishing him a happy new birthday. It may seem silly. That’s ok with me. It makes it easier to bear. It takes the sting out of the 20th of the month, though certainly doesn’t reduce the impact or pain.
I asked my mother, who lost her mom many years ago if dates like this get less noticeable in time. I mean, will I start looking at things in longer spans, like years, instead of simply months? I suppose I will. I started off evaluating hours since his passing. That eventually drifted into days, then weeks. It’s only been seven months. I still find it hard to believe. So quick, yet so long. It’s funny how time acts like that. One event, one moment can feel simultaneously as if it occurred only yesterday and like a lifetime ago. Maybe that’s how a day to God is like a thousand years. Maybe that’s a little glimpse into His sense of time. Singular moments that are wildly opposite in character and sensation.
I spoke to a friend today. I told him that sometimes, I get a little envious (not in a wishing-my-life-away kind of way) of Nate in heaven. My friend made a statement I never thought of before and that I’ll never forget. “It could have just as easily been you. But God has something beautiful for you here on this side of heaven.” I’ve known God still has purpose for me. And I’ve known He has not and will not abandon me. I’ve known there is still joy in this life. But I never thought about my future in the terms he spoke today. I never contemplated that I could have left Nate here. I don’t know why God’s plan is unfolding the way it is or why Nathan’s time on this side didn’t last longer. But yes, God has something beautiful here. God wanted Nathan at His side sooner rather than later. But this side of heaven is beautiful and was initially meant to be paradise. God does still have something beautiful in His plan on this side, even in store for little old me.
I asked my mother, who lost her mom many years ago if dates like this get less noticeable in time. I mean, will I start looking at things in longer spans, like years, instead of simply months? I suppose I will. I started off evaluating hours since his passing. That eventually drifted into days, then weeks. It’s only been seven months. I still find it hard to believe. So quick, yet so long. It’s funny how time acts like that. One event, one moment can feel simultaneously as if it occurred only yesterday and like a lifetime ago. Maybe that’s how a day to God is like a thousand years. Maybe that’s a little glimpse into His sense of time. Singular moments that are wildly opposite in character and sensation.
I spoke to a friend today. I told him that sometimes, I get a little envious (not in a wishing-my-life-away kind of way) of Nate in heaven. My friend made a statement I never thought of before and that I’ll never forget. “It could have just as easily been you. But God has something beautiful for you here on this side of heaven.” I’ve known God still has purpose for me. And I’ve known He has not and will not abandon me. I’ve known there is still joy in this life. But I never thought about my future in the terms he spoke today. I never contemplated that I could have left Nate here. I don’t know why God’s plan is unfolding the way it is or why Nathan’s time on this side didn’t last longer. But yes, God has something beautiful here. God wanted Nathan at His side sooner rather than later. But this side of heaven is beautiful and was initially meant to be paradise. God does still have something beautiful in His plan on this side, even in store for little old me.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
An adventure I could have done without - but God still used.
July 16, 2009. Life certainly has a way of keeping me on my toes. Driving home last night (the 15th) at almost ten o'clock, I came upon some road construction. It was a surprise to come to a complete stop from driving the posted interstate speed, but I had plenty of room in front of me. As I was sitting stopped on the highway, the following thought ran through my silly little head – “Boy, if someone wasn’t paying attention, this could be bad.” Yep, you guessed it. About thirty seconds after that silly little thought, I heard a very loud crash; two seconds later, I heard a second crash. The second crash was accompanied by the jarring sensation of my car being slammed into. I collected myself quickly and once I realized I was physically ok, I got out to check on the other people in the other two cars.
After consulting with the driver of the second car, I returned to mine to get my cell phone and call emergency personnel. By the time I turned back around, the first car, the instigator of the wreck was gone. But he/she was kind enough to leave their front bumper on the road – complete with license plate We’ll see if anything comes of that. Long story short, (too late!) the tow truck driver drove me home, my car is in the shop & will likely take a week to get fixed, the claim is filed with my insurance company, I have a rental car, and I’m hoping they find the person who started this lovely chain of events so my insurance isn’t liable.
So, that’s the “what happened.” Here’s the “how I reacted / felt.” My first thought was, of course, “this sucks!” (pardon my thought-language.) I couldn’t believe how alone I felt. Who was I going to call? How do I get to work tomorrow? How do I get home tonight? How do I deal with all this? Who’s responsible for this? In that first moment, I felt completely by myself. I knew I wasn’t and I was quickly reminded (thanks, God!) I called two people here in Kansas City that are very dear in my life. Then I called my folks to give them a quick FYI with assurance I was fine and would call with details later. I hated that the car Nathan got me as a way of taking care of me after he passed, got wrecked. That broke my heart. Then one of my dear friends reminded me that the car *did* take care of me. I was safe; the car did what it was supposed to. It didn’t crumble like ash. It didn’t explode or disintegrate or act like a house of cards. I was protected and safe.
I was reassured by the presence of the very kind emergency personnel, tow drivers, and roadside assistants. Then God used it. He didn’t “show up” since He was there first. But He started moving in a way I could feel and understand. He started showing me the “why.” I got the opportunity to witness to the tow truck driver on the way to my house.
The tow driver asked typical questions which somehow lead to Nathan, his battle with cancer, death, and my subsequent journey. This man’s aunt, who is devoutly religious, was recently diagnosed with cancer. This, coupled with the recent death of his good friend and other circumstances of his past, have lead him to question the realness and validity of God. (It wasn’t a very long drive, but he was extremely open.) God just used the conversation so powerfully. I don’t know what this man’s faith ever was or is. But I’m prayerful God will use last night’s accident to touch the heart of this tow truck driver.
Last night, sleep was not easy in coming. Too much “fight-or-flight” in the bloodstream. Very little pain last night. But, the soreness is creeping upon me, the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion are on me full force. I will sleep like a champ tonight. God will continue to watch over me. As Mom and Dad were praying with me last night on the phone, Dad reminded me God sees us through. I remarked, “I know. But I’m starting to get tired of ‘through.’ I’d be ok with boring for a *little* while…”
After consulting with the driver of the second car, I returned to mine to get my cell phone and call emergency personnel. By the time I turned back around, the first car, the instigator of the wreck was gone. But he/she was kind enough to leave their front bumper on the road – complete with license plate We’ll see if anything comes of that. Long story short, (too late!) the tow truck driver drove me home, my car is in the shop & will likely take a week to get fixed, the claim is filed with my insurance company, I have a rental car, and I’m hoping they find the person who started this lovely chain of events so my insurance isn’t liable.
So, that’s the “what happened.” Here’s the “how I reacted / felt.” My first thought was, of course, “this sucks!” (pardon my thought-language.) I couldn’t believe how alone I felt. Who was I going to call? How do I get to work tomorrow? How do I get home tonight? How do I deal with all this? Who’s responsible for this? In that first moment, I felt completely by myself. I knew I wasn’t and I was quickly reminded (thanks, God!) I called two people here in Kansas City that are very dear in my life. Then I called my folks to give them a quick FYI with assurance I was fine and would call with details later. I hated that the car Nathan got me as a way of taking care of me after he passed, got wrecked. That broke my heart. Then one of my dear friends reminded me that the car *did* take care of me. I was safe; the car did what it was supposed to. It didn’t crumble like ash. It didn’t explode or disintegrate or act like a house of cards. I was protected and safe.
I was reassured by the presence of the very kind emergency personnel, tow drivers, and roadside assistants. Then God used it. He didn’t “show up” since He was there first. But He started moving in a way I could feel and understand. He started showing me the “why.” I got the opportunity to witness to the tow truck driver on the way to my house.
The tow driver asked typical questions which somehow lead to Nathan, his battle with cancer, death, and my subsequent journey. This man’s aunt, who is devoutly religious, was recently diagnosed with cancer. This, coupled with the recent death of his good friend and other circumstances of his past, have lead him to question the realness and validity of God. (It wasn’t a very long drive, but he was extremely open.) God just used the conversation so powerfully. I don’t know what this man’s faith ever was or is. But I’m prayerful God will use last night’s accident to touch the heart of this tow truck driver.
Last night, sleep was not easy in coming. Too much “fight-or-flight” in the bloodstream. Very little pain last night. But, the soreness is creeping upon me, the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion are on me full force. I will sleep like a champ tonight. God will continue to watch over me. As Mom and Dad were praying with me last night on the phone, Dad reminded me God sees us through. I remarked, “I know. But I’m starting to get tired of ‘through.’ I’d be ok with boring for a *little* while…”
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